My heart is full to bursting with so many things that I could blog and probably will blog about soon. But for tonight, I feel an urge again to write but about a very specific song that is healing me. And hopefully to share it with someone else who may be in a similar place as me on the slow path to recovery.
May you know what I feel tonight. You are beautiful. You are treasured. You are His.
For those who may not already know, 6 weeks ago we ( my husband, my 5 year old daughter and my one year old son) were involved an awful car crash that thankfully did not claim our lives but left us with significant injuries that have taken some time to heal.
I am grateful each day that I wake up and see their faces, all the more conscious of what could have happened that didn’t that night. I will never lose sight of this. We are blessed.
There is no doubt that we are forever changed as a family. The days that followed our car crash were very bittersweet. I remember my sister in law specifically questioning why it had to happen in the first place and why God didn’t simply stop it. I completely shared her sentiments at times and lay awake for many nights asking God why. And then there are the many that have asked me THAT question. You know the one…
“What do you think God is going to bring out of all of this?”
And the truth is, both the whys and the whats I have wrestled with. And I have no doubt that God WILL use this. He always does. He’s good like that. (Genesis 50:20)
When we first had the accident the shock of it temporarily stopped me from being able to see what I needed. It felt like this dark cloud had come over me and blocked my ability to do anything. Fear came, too, and wrapped himself over me like an ugly cloth. I was just stuck in this space that I can only describe as the in between; between reason and doubt. Moments of clarity and overwhelming sadness. Between fighting and tiredness. Making decisions and indecisiveness.
And then angels came. Sometimes in the form of real flesh and blood beings. One by one they came. Bearing the faces of friends and family. Taking away the burden. One by one.
Some came and held me as I cried. Some laughed with me and helped me to temporarily forget. Some cooked, cleaned or took the kids on adventurous trips. Oh, the trips! Some simply came and sat. Some in cars outside our house and others sat on our beat-up sofas or my hospital room. And listened. And prayed.
Angels. Wearing the faces of our family and friends.
In the middle of all of this I truly saw the face of God. I don’t think I have ever personally known love like this. And I began to feel like I wasn’t worth it. Why were all of these angels assigned to me? What is so special about me? About us? We’re not famous. We don’t really know that many people…what was God trying to show us through all of this? What did he require of us? And honestly it seemed the more I doubted the more people heaped on more love. In the form of generosity and finances love came. In the many meals cooked or personally delivered. In the hugs, texts, smiles and words of encouragement. Love just kept on pouring. And it is, even now, still pouring.
So I kept on feeling unworthy. I just felt like it was way too much. We really really didn’t deserve all this. ALL this.
And then I remembered a song a friend once played for me. And it helped me to realise that this thing that has happened, it hurt my Father God. You see he’s hurt when we are. He never intends bad for us. He’s our Father. He loves us. Does that mean that bad things won’t happen to us because we are His children? Absolutely not! Just think (if you’re a parent) about your own children. If not remember your own childhood. Children get hurt sometimes. That doesn’t mean that (good) parents want their children to get hurt. I hurt so much when my babies are in pain, wherever their pain is coming from. And my first instinct is always to try and ease their pain somehow and to show them how much I love them in their pain.
So in this same way I feel like God is doing the same for us. To simply tell us that we are loved. Responding to our pain with his love. And while there are many good things that have come from and WILL come from this, for now I just feel that the only thing God wants me to know is His overwhelming love for me. For my husband. For my beautiful children. And that yes, we are worth all of this. No matter how insignificant we feel.
So whatever you’re going through, however awful it is, know this: your father in heaven, whether you had a good example of fatherhood or not, is a good guy. He doesn’t want you to hurt. He wants you to know that he feels your pain and he wants to respond in love; because, actually, you are treasured. You are sacred. You are His.
And you are more than what is hurting you tonight. You’re beautiful.